Do you ever just roll over in bed, and realize that your life is nothing you thought it would have been a year ago? I’ve been having this problem everyday, of about a month now. I’m thankful for where I am right now, but I yearn for more. I can’t help it. I know I’m blessed. I truly do know that, but why can’t I get this everlasting sigh out of my life? You know the heavy, deep, means so much more than you can even say, sigh, well THAT is the sigh I’m talking about.
As humans we thrive off of repetition. Hitting the snooze button exactly 3 times before getting up in the morning; always packing the same thing for lunch everyday; listening to that new song on repeat; having the same conversations with people; hanging out at the same bars, with the same people, that give you the same let downs.
I’ve decided I need a change, so I decided even though I “shouldn’t”, I need to run. When I trained for a half marathon a few years ago, the accomplishment I got from that training, along with the completion of that race, well that feeling cannot be put into words for me. Running is for ME. I’m the type to just, get lost in my work, and in the regularity of days. This gives me something to accomplish everyday. I never knew how much I needed this until a few weeks ago.
I had a medical scare, and it really threw me off. I’m COMPLETELY FINE. But when docs give you the worst case scenario, you (I) tend to REALLY exaggerate it in my own mind. To be honest, I wanted something in my life to change. It is such a terrible thing to admit, but it’s true. I wanted the attention or the change to work towards something. But after all that I’m so thankful I’m healthy.
But- I had to throw myself together after this happened, and it hasn’t been pretty. There are parts of myself that I am so ashamed of. This need for attention is one of them. I hate that part of me. But then I guess we all want it in some way shape or form. I’m always so hard on myself. I haven’t really been going out, (especially because I made an ass of myself in front of some people I wish I hadn’t), and I’m so tired.
I’m so extremely tired of it all. I think when you graduate and things sort of just fall where they fall, you forget to stop and say to yourself, am I happy here? Is this what I went to school to do? Is this what I love? Now in this “economy” we’re in, we’re all just suppose to “take what we can get” and be satisfied. I don’t think that’s fair. I don’t think anyone should have to settle. However, I am not exactly acting on what I think. I’m so confused. And frustrated. And hurt. And ready for a change, that I can’t seem to grasp. I DO NOT like surprises, but I think I’m in a desperate need of one. I can’t seem to shake this sigh.
Sorry for the rant; I’ve had a lot of my mind, and haven’t written because of it. I think I need to write more, simply to get these thoughts off my chest.
I hope you’re all doing well!
Bear with me :)
Mags.
Somewhat related, I’m going to make the statement that men don’t ask women on dates anymore. Why is that? Dates are fun!
